back in black.

so i guess i've been depriving this blog for three years. but i'm back in black and ready to talk some shitttt. :) i'm just kidding. in the past, people have said that i have some kind of talent in translating the thoughts of my mind into words on a blog. people say they can relate. i'm just the person that voiced more than one person's opinion. like we all have more in common than we think. i don't know if i technically agree but who can argue complements right? i can definitely say that i just want to speak my mind. because if i don't, i will go absolutely crazy. we can't keep things bottled up inside or otherwise we'll break down or take it out on others. so years ago, i would write blogs to vent or question the things that were making me upset, or angry or happy. the three year blog hiatus ended up being a rap session. i wrote about ten raps in that span of time. i matched them up with instrumentals, but i can't record them because i have performance anxiety. people keep asking me too. maybe one day. so that performance anxiety lead me back into the blog world. so i'm gonna write blogs for a while until i become more confident and kick ass behind the mic. so thank you for listening. here's to my first blog of the new 2011, and many more to come.

second chances.

Second chances: sometimes you get them, sometimes you don't. It can be great when you get them and it can be heart-breaking when you don't. In some situations, you know you can always have a second chance and other times those opportunities for a second chance are completely out of your hands. They are the chances that you can have but it's based on whether someone else will give you one. But there are also chances that it's unattainable to get a second chance no matter what.

It's very heartbreaking when there are times when you never get a second chance....when it's one-hundred percent impossible. There are times when I am alone, it's quiet, and I'm sitting in my car in the parking spot of a store, thinking to myself why I wasn't the best Rachel I could have been. So I would sit there, looking down at my legs and tearing up because of the things I never did. I was tearing about the times I never spent time with my mom's parents and I took them for granted. It's hurts me after realizing what I lost and could have had. I always thought there were second chances for everything. Sometimes, there are none because you can't get one....not from anyone. I only saw my grandparents during the holidays when my family would come together to celebrate Thanksgiving, Passover, or Hanukkah. I never really spent time with them on my own and because I wanted to. Seeing them became more of something that I was supposed to do. It was never "Oh yeah! Let's spend time together! It's not a holiday but a random Saturday in December." You know what I mean. But, I was too "busy" for that. Even during the holiday dinners, I hardly talked to them either and I should have. I guess it was awkward. What would we talk about anyway? I would have felt too weird to talk to them about the fights with friends, the hatred of working at the supermarket of doom & gloom, or the embarrassment followed by blushing of my cheeks with talks about my love life. I didn't want to tell them I was doing bad in school either. Instead of thinking that way, I should have asked them about their life and not just during holiday dinners.

What would have been totally awesome is if I came over and we drank coffee and talked about the different decades they experienced. We would talk about how things changed or improved, what the fads were and the historical events that changed the nation as we know it. That would have been pretty flipping captivating to hear about that and maybe I would have learn a few things too. The problem was that I should have treated my relatives as friends too. I can't change the past and that's fine but what makes me depressed is that I can never change the future. Why is that? It's because they are gone and it sucks because I will never get that second chance. All I remember about my grandma was sitting at the holiday dinners with her. All I remember about my grandpa was when I was younger, my sister Danielle and I went to get ice-cream with him to bring back for the Thanksgiving meal. He always played Spanish music in the car and he was the only person I knew that played that music. That's all I remember about them. See what I mean? It's nothing.

There are also times when you can get a second chance and that's an amazing thing whether you deserve one or not. It hurts a lot when you can get a second chance and people just wanna shoot you down. They are too close-minded or stubborn, especially if it was something stupid. I don't understand why some people have to hold grudges. I hate that but I guess I am a real forgiving person. But it sucks when people are quick to give up on you when you made a mistake or their was a misunderstanding and they won't hear you out or believe you. It's a shame because everyone makes mistakes. People assume that you did something bad and they want you to leave them alone forever but what they don't get is that maybe people change. They can be a better person but how can they be when you don't give them the chance. They can even end up being so incredible you are glad you gave them the chance.

I think ninety-five percent of the time, you always have a second chance to make things better....to improve your life. I think any situation related to death is the only one where you don't have another chance. All the time you have those chances, it's just a matter of who grants you that chance. It takes a strong person to step up to the plate and admit their faults and ask for another chance. That should be the most important reason for someone to get another chance. They were mature and brave about it. I also believe that it proves someone else can be strong too....and that's for giving someone another chance. But when the other person won't give another chance, it sucks. Maybe they are stubborn ("you're a jerk...you will always be a jerk"), maybe they are afraid....afraid of getting hurt again ("my heart is going to be broken if they treat me bad again"). Maybe they are jealous. ("I can't forgive her for leaving me for another guy because I wish I was that other guy.") Maybe they stopped believing in you....thinking you'll bring them disappointment once again.

But I think that makes a person close-minded. It makes them to be people who shut others out of their life, the ones you give up on when the going gets tough. So they punk out on you. They ditch you and sometimes without any explanation. Is that what people really want to be? People who keep dropping their friends because of stupid fights. I hate it when they are all in your face about how you are a liar and a disappointment without letting you even explain your side of the story. I know why. It's because you know you were wrong. That's what its about. I got real angry one time when my closest guy friend thought I was dating his best friend behind his back. He was telling me I was a liar, and we were being sexual behind is back and all this other stuff. It was one hundred percent false and it really hurt me that he didn't believe me. I kept telling him that we were great friends and I would never do that. I told him to believe me and not to end our friendship. I didn't get another chance to be the friends we were and all because he wouldn't let me explain and just decided to tell me he was done with me. It hurt real bad that I was loosing something for nothing. I think you should let the person state their story before you tell them off. If you keep kicking people out your life....one after the other....because you were arrogant....who will you have left? Yourself. You will only have yourself sitting around and wondering what could have had if you forgiven and believed.

The best times is when you always have a chance. Work - you can get a better job or you can work much harder to get that promotion. School - you can study harder, take notes, and do all the homework. Health & fitness - you can eat better or exercise regularly. Friendship - you can stop fighting about petty drama. You can always be there for your friends.....appreciate them. Never let the good ones go and if you do for a while, do everything you can to win them back. Forgive them. Relationships & love - treat them lovely. Respect them just like your friends and family. Celebrate anniversaries. Be romantic....its not hard to show you care. Hobby & interests - learn something new or improve yourself at a hobby you already are awesome at. Be as strong as you can. Don't be afraid to miss that goal. You have another chance to win the game next time. Family - watch TV with them, play a game, or just go out to dinner for lovely conversation. Spend time with them....have fun with them.

Life's too damn short. So in all things, if you fall, pick yourself up and try, try again because that's why we fail. That's why we disappoint our friends and hurt the people we love....to learn and better ourselves later....to be the all-star player, to be an A student, to be promoted to manager or to be the bestest friend we can be...or the best girl or boyfriend anyone has ever wished for. So we always have a second chance to be a better person. I just wish everyone could understand and forgive. Even if they don't want to work things out. I'm not saying one should be friends with someone or date someone again every time something is talked out and someone is forgiven. I say just try and get where someone is coming from and forgive because it will weigh down on you. It will be more on your mind if you don't. Forgiving makes it easier to move on. Sometimes it's even a good thing, just to get both people views....to think and understand the why the other person did what they did or why they said what they said. Think about it from another perspective....ponder outside the box. I think its better to forgive and for both people to realize its better not to even talk again.....like you forgave but are better off apart. That's totally fine and it's much better than getting the silent treatment.

So I talked a lot. I talk too damn much. But I love when I do. People say it keeps things interesting. I love being able to tell people how I feel. Before it was so hard for me. This is me being outside my comfort zone. I usually keep things to myself. I don't expect people to agree with these words but to think about someone else's words. Really think hard about who you want to shut out of your life and who you really want to keep in it.

Intensity! :)

Thanksgiving is fast approaching, so I would love to share that this holiday is my favorite. I love how its about celebrating who you have and what you have. There is no greedy obsessions with gift getting. It’s all about celebrating family and friends. It’s about enjoying a delicious meal made by family. I love the food of Thanksgiving. I love eating enough food for five, yes I admit it. I love the turkey, mashed potatoes, salad, sweet potatoes, and many more goodies. A lot of naps are taken when I celebrate Thanksgiving. There is a nap and then the dessert feast which includes so many different pies that makes Rachel glee with excitement. And then here she goes again, taking another nap. Watching March of The Wooden Soldiers is a tradition I try to keep doing because I enjoy that funny movie. Since Thanksgiving is all about being thankful what you have, its more than the delicious food that I am thankful for, its more.

I am thankful for so many things….well….because so many things help me to be a pretty happy person. I am thankful for certain emotions. I am thankful for the ability to be happy, the ability to live peacefully, the ability to laugh and create memories. I am thankful for being able to take pictures to capture these memories. I am thankful for romance, when people do sweet things for others to show they care. This sounds stupid but I’m grateful that flowers exist, that I can just look at them and smell them because they are just beautiful. I am grateful for vacations, to be able to go to some place different, explore and learn with my loved ones. I’m very thankful for concerts. This is because I am a huge music freak - music is my life. I just feel so alive and happy when I can dance during one of my favorite artist’s concerts. I’m am happy that books exist, books take me to other places with my imagination as well as teaching me about real life through fictional characters. I enjoy the teenage drama books because they make me feel less stressed about my life because theirs is so more dramatic. Being the girly girl that I am, I am thankful for fashion, jewelry, and clothes. Shopping releases my stress and getting new things makes me happy. I just can’t help it, It’s an obsession. I am also thankful for excellent movies and amazing TV shows. They show me a good time. A very important thing I am thankful for is music. This is needed for my everyday survival. I couldn’t imagine my life without music, I think I would be a very miserable being. I love to sing, think about what an artist feels when they write the song, and it just can turn my frown upside down. The Beatles make me happy and carefree. AC/DC brings out the rocker badass in me. Justin Timberlake brings out the dancing sexy Rachel in me. Billie Holiday makes me feel so peaceful and relaxed. Jay-Z brings out the inner gangster in me, yeah that’s right, I said it. Frank Sinatra makes me want to swing dance (if I could) and Three Days Grace helps me sing out my anger and frustrations. Food is another major one. I am so thankful that rainbow cookies exist, people know I love those things. Grilled cheese sandwiches, ziti, caesar salad, cranberry juice and black cherry soda are extremely important to my well being.

These are the little….day to day things that I am passionately thankful for but there are more important things. This is why I save the best for last. Above all these things, I am very much so gladly thankful for my family and friends. Without them, I wouldn’t know who I am today. They have made me stronger, better, wiser, and a better friend. The most important person in my life is my mom. Mom is such a typical and boring title. I like to refer to my mom as “madre-face”. I don’t remember where it came from but I enjoy it and no one has ever thought of it. She likes it too. We have an awesome relationship and I couldn’t ask for anything better. Nothing could top this. As years went on, we became closer, she is like my best friend of the older generation. She knows pretty much everything that has happened to me. Whether its school, drama with friends, or boyfriends, she is always there to listen and offer advice. I love going food shopping for her often because I feel she deserves time for herself for all that she has done for me. No matter what I do, I never seem to get into trouble because she knows she was worse than me at my age. Sometimes I come home from a tiring day of work and school and she will greet me with, “hey you skank!” in the most serious tone and a big grin on her face. She calls me bad names often and that’s why I love her with all my heart. I would do anything for her.
Next up, there is a tie for the second thankful prize. This prize goes to my younger siblings, Danielle and Zak. Danielle is two years younger than me and Zak is twelve. I love them so much. Danielle and I have became real close the past three years. We used to not really care to be in the same room but that has all changed thanks to similarities. Danielle has always been there for me, during my happy times, my stressed out times, and my depressed-in-the gutter times. She is quite the amazing lady. There are so many memories I have that I could write a book about our friendship. She is someone who never judges me, comes to me for advice, gives advice, makes me laugh harder than anyone I know, plus she once bought me roses when I was heartbroken about a stupid guy. Sometimes she kisses me on the forehead before she goes to work. It’s obvious we love each other. Zak is a funny little lad. I refer to him as Zak Attack often. It rhymes and its just an awesome name. He fancies it as well. I love to give people nicknames. It adds some spice. Zak is a little trouble maker at times because even though he is twelve, he curses a lot. He is kind of mature for his age. He enjoys watching baseball games, and he can score a 170 game in bowling. He is talented. We always find the time to play video games together (when he is nice to me) where we rock out to Guitar Hero or watch our favorite show Degrassi. Even though we are eight years apart, we actually have similar hobbies. We have fun hanging out and doing whatever. Not only are we family but we are friends, and that’s something I am very grateful for.

Friendship is very important to me. I learn from my friends and they learn from me. We have happy times and sometimes we hit those rough patches but we all know who is a real friend when you get through them. Some I have known not that long and others for a very long time but I still feel strong about them. After a while, they do indeed become part of my family. Nick, Kel, Meg, Sammi, Keith, and Steph fill these characteristics. Nick is my wonderful boyfriend. Even though I have only known him for six months, and we have dated for four of them, it defiantly feels longer than that. He is incredible with all that he does for me. Its ridiculous and I’m very thankful to have him. He cares for me more than any guy ever has. One time he came to my house when I was depressed and upset about school, the problem was that I was at work and he waited around for an hour till I got out of work to see me because he was worried. It brought joy to my heart. Kel is a lovely woman. We met in the eight grade and became fun friends. We were so close in the tenth grade. We watched Cruel Intentions literally every Friday because we thought Ryan Phillippe was hot. We have a lot of memories as well. The past few years we haven’t seen each other much because of work, school, and we made different friends. It kinda sucks that we don’t see each other much but its cool. Meg is my lover on the side. We met at Waldbaums (where I still work) about three years ago. We have been hanging out a lot the past two years, she def loves me and it’s a mutual feeling. Sammi is Kel’s sidekick, her wife. I have known Sammi since twelfth grade. She is quite hilarious and does funny dances in parking lots cause she is crazy. The list continues onto Steph or the Steph-nator as I call her often. I know Steph thorough my ex-boyfriend Pete since March 06. We have great times together. She always comes to me with her problems and always strikes up random conversations with people wherever we go and it’s a fun time. Steph is absolutely beautiful and this is why she is a successful model. I kinda wish I could do that. I also love being friends with Keith. He is my oldest friend (24) and he is a dad but he acts like he is 15. We have a lot in common and have a lot of fun. We have went through a lot of drama but we got through it like troopers. I am entirely grateful for these people. Without them I can’t imagine life. It would be life without happiness!